It’s difficult to know where to start, so I’ll go back to Thanksgiving. The most has changed since then. First of all, Aunt Bonnie contracted RSV while in the nursing home for rehab for her knee. They were slow to test and slower to get the results of the test and I was there every day with hot food and coffee for her. Funny, I was sitting there when they suddenly moved her room mate across the hall and then a nurse came in to tell her she had RSV. This was the beginning. 

Since I was exposed many days, I also contracted RSV. I’m am very grateful her symptoms were mild. Mine were not, I have no memory of ever being that ill. Consequently, I’m still in quarantine because my temperature won’t go to normal and stay there. There are no RSV tests to be had in Wynne, AR where I am currently quarantining. I think I must not be done cooking yet. Ha I also had the morbid thought that the RSV was a metaphor --- all the gunk in my head was a metaphor for all the gunk still in my mind (head). Either way thank goodness there is much less of it now. 

I have come to the conclusion that, when I feel like I need to be alone, I must find a way and a place to remove myself from others and Be alone to do whatever needs to be done internally. It may be a wrong conclusion, but the changes to me are remarkable. 

I have known for years that my mother is a narcissist, but only read in the past few years that narcissists are psychopaths in that they operate by compulsion not feeling empathy or much of anything. I can’t imagine walking that path and I’m grateful I chose a different one. But this quarantining at mom’s, because that is where I ended up, has given me the opportunity to really put my growth to the test in a good way. I no longer react to her no matter what she says. She is very reactive and I don’t think I know anyone else so filed with rage. It’s sad. 

The conversations, mostly me listening, have opened my eyes in a very big way. She says and does things without any clue to the impact it has on another person. I’m guessing that is because she is the only one that matters in any scenario. She was trying to work out in her own head I guess, about giving my brother a debit card so he always had access to money if he needed it. Because he is her son. Because she thinks that is what people with sons are supposed to do. 

Now, before I would have reacted to that instead of just accepting what is in front of me without judging it. Today, it hit me. Mom is living in the past, going by the actions she chooses to mimic carried out my others. Not really a choice at all. Then I thought about others I know who, in a way live their lives the same way, not as narcissists, but more by rote. This is what others do and so I must do the same. 

What hit me next was compassion. Calm compassion not like what I thought compassion was but what compassion is. Mom is stuck where she is with absolutely no chance of growth or change completely cut off from reality. Of course, then I was flooded with a sadness because most of the people or acquaintances I have are the same. Stuck. Stuck in the past. Stuck in their beliefs. Stuck with their opinions. Just Stuck. If I hadn’t chosen a different past, I would be too. Even on the different path, I would still be stuck but for Guruji. 

I feel so much gratitude to Guruji, to Dahryn, and to Alice,, because each has had a huge part in my growth, in my change and changeability. Thank you. The fire ceremonies have been very impactful to this person. There are more realizations, but this has been the biggest for now. I think maybe I’m almost done cooking now. Can’t wait to see what this next beautiful fire ceremony brings up. 

Thank you with all my heart for you generosity and caring,